Binge in a Can

They're baaack! The grandstanding politicians are here to save us yet again. This time from high alcohol beer in the form of Colt 45 Blast. They're using terms like "binge in a can" and delivering false information that one 24 oz. can of Blast at 12% ABV is the equivalent of drinking 5 cans of regular beer. But, they're doing it for you, because Blast comes in fruity flavors and brightly colored cans as if underage drinkers are fish and only attracted to sparkly things.

I'll be the first to say I would never drink this stuff, let alone buy it, with flavors like grape, strawberry lemonade, strawberry watermelon and the ultra sophisticated blueberry pomegranate for the suburban teen, Blast sounds awful. But, I can go to the liquor store right now and find 50 other things that sound equally as awful with just as much alcohol. None of those things should be illegal either.

These jerkholes don't even have evidence that the product is being abused by teens, which they did have, at least anecdotally, with Four Loko. They just think that kids "could" abuse it. Well, kids can abuse anything, spray paint, mom's prescriptions, dad's liquor cabinet, $4.99/750 ml vodka and, in the case of 15 year old boys, themselves. Hell, if they wanted to, they could abuse Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus.

The practical issue is this, how do you legislate Blast away? Do you outlaw beers over 10% ABV? Goodbye Avery Beast, Sixth Glass, Maharaja or any other badass beers. Do you outlaw fruit flavors in beer? Goodbye Cerise (and good riddance), Boulevard Chocolate Ale, Wittekerke Framboise, the Michelob Ultra collection o' crap. You could combine the 2 and ban high alcohol fruit drinks over 10% ABV, but why would they leave out flavored vodkas or foritified wines? The problem is they won't stop there, they'll just keep banning and banning until they get to something actual voters care about.

The solution, as always, is to end our puritanical relationship to alcohol with the highest legal drinking age in the world (non-Islam edition). Since the beginning of time, humans have sought to alter their reality in some way. In the United States we do it primarily with beer, wine and liquor. It's a part of who we are as a people and takes a big role in our celebrations and lives. It's only natural that our children would want to drink alcohol as well. Instead of making them hide out in their friends' basement chugging as much alcohol as they can before they go to the high school basketball or football game (hello high school memories), let them have a beer with their chicken fingers at Applebee's (hello Paul A. Ner). They'll be much less likely to binge if they have access to beer or wine in most situations. Chugging would no longer be an important part of drinking. When was the last time you chugged 2 beers in 5 minutes or used a beer funnel?

Lastly, let's not leave out what really riles whitey up, Snoop Dogg is the spokesman for Blast. Chuck Schumer knows better than anyone that young black kids can't help but to buy anything that Snoop Dogg endorses.  The best thing the Blast people could do would be to dump Snoop Dogg and get Tony Danza to sign on as spokesman, then whitey wouldn't have to worry anymore.

So keep in mind when you see KCTV5 reporting by press release, that this hysteria is being produced by state Attorneys General and politicians. There is no there there and they're lying to you. But, Blast sure does make a fun boogeyman.

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