Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Badass Beer

I watched the Bourne Trilogy over the course of this week. Jason Bourne is a special kind of amazing, I just don't think he can be killed. It got me to thinking who the most badass, hard to kill movie or TV characters were. By badass, I don't mean cool, I just mean killers who can kill in any number of ways, guns, hand to hand combat, pipes laying around, knives, whatever. Then, because this is a beer blog, I've decided to pair the badass character with the most badass high alcohol beers available in town that I actually enjoy and have had.

Just a note for clarity, I'm only including characters in movies that I like and will gladly watch again. In doing a little bit of searching around to make sure I didn't forget anyone, I noticed that Jason Statham's character in "Crank" may very well be a badass, but I've never seen "Crank" so he's not included. Darth Vader and Han Solo are also excluded because I've only seen "Star Wars" and don't really care to see any of the other movies. On the same wavelength, I've never had Founder's Kentucky or Canadian Breakfast Stout so they can't be included in the beer list. Before you jump all over me for excluding it, I don't particularly enjoy Goose Island Bourbon County Stout so if you must let's just compare Bourbon County to Han Solo.

Jason Bourne - Avery Maharaja
Jason Bourne is the inspiration for this list and I think the most badass unkillable character in all of film history. He's very versatile, he can kill in any way imaginable, he's a master of escape and he's an extremely likable character. The versatility in Bourne is what makes me thinks of Avery Maharaja. The Maharaja is an equal opportunity badass beer. It goes great with a meal, before a meal or in no relation to a meal. It's great when it's hot out, when it's cool out or if you've been inside all day. The Maharaja has no weaknesses and is in the conversation if I had to choose only one beer to drink for the rest of my life.

Jack Bauer - Avery The Beast Grand Cru
Jack Bauer is 5 foot nothing, 100 and nothing, yet still can kill anyone in a fist fight, gun fight or holding your pee fight. The Beast is aptly named. It comes in as small a package as Jack Bauer in 12 oz. bottles, but it packs a bigger punch than all the other badass beers at 16.3% ABV and will knock you out.

John Rambo - B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher Oatmeal Imperial Stout
Rambo entered a peaceful town in Washington to see an old war friend and left that town after seriously injuring a good portion of their police force. They should have paid attention to his war credentials. That's the way you feel drinking Boris, it's called The Crusher, it's an imperial stout. You should know better than drink this bad boy all by yourself, yet you do because it's just so good. For shame, it will injure you.

Tom Stall - Lagunitas Hop Stoopid
In an underappreciated movie, Tom Stall tries to live a new life leaving behind his gangster past. Trouble is, he's a badass and trouble always finds a badass. In this case, his old buddies in the mob find him and even though he tries to convince them he isn't who they think he is. But, there's no hiding your skills in self defense and he ends up killing them. Hop Stoopid is like Stall, it tries to convince you it's not an alcohol bomb because it's so cheap and unassuming. But, like Stall, it will put you down before you beat it. The 8% ABV comes with a wonderful hop flavor but is hidden by a slight fruit sweetness that's like Stall's new life with his wife.

Dalton - Bell's Hopslam
Dalton is one of my favorite characters ever. He gets hired to tame a bar in small town Missouri and inexplicably rents a house right across the lake from the town bad guy. Dalton wasn't looking for trouble, but, like Tom Stall, when you're a badass trouble finds you. When all was said and done, Bad Guy 1, Dalton 25 including a guy with the greatest line in the history of movies, "I used to [slang word for making love] guys like you in prison". Hopslam is like Dalton because it has one job, bring the hops. Like Dalton, it does it with force, but Hopslam "takes it outside" by somehow making a balanced, hop laden brew that brings the power at 10% ABV.

Bryan Mills - Boulevard Sixth Glass
"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you." I've felt like the human trafficker at the other end of the line when I popped the cork on a Sixth Glass planning to drink a bottle by myself. And like Bryan Mills, Sixth Glass has always won.


John McClane - Southern Tier Creme Brulee Stout
Creme Brulee Stout sure sounds like it's going to be a gentle drink, maybe be a little sweet. And it is all of that, but if you mess around with it too long, it's going to beat you. The 9.2% ABV gets ahold of you without you knowing it. You're as helpless as Hans Gruber is when John Mclane first gets his hands on a machine gun. Game over. John McClane is so likable from his first moment on screen, it's almost shocking at how effective of a killer he is.

El Mariachi - Bell's Expedition Stout
El Mariachi was on an expedition, an expedition of revenge, an expedition of killing, an expedition of blood. He masked his intentions with his guitar case, but once that case was opened, odds are you were going to die. Bell's Expedition masks its intentions by being in a six pack where you're not expecting a killer. But, killer is exactly what the Expedition is. And it tastes so good you could picture the Expedition sleeping with Salma Hayek.

Johnathan Cabot - Weston  Hot Pepper Ale
From the IMDB page for Gymkata:
Johnathan Cabot is a champion gymnast. In the tiny, yet savage, country of Parmistan, there is a perfect spot for a "star wars" site. For the US to get this site, they must compete in the brutal "Game". The government calls on Cabot, the son of a former operative, to win the game. Cabot must combine his gymnastics skills of the west with fighting secrets of the east and form GYMKATA!

If you haven't seen it, there's a scene where a fight takes place in a little village that just happened to have a pommel horse right in the middle of the street. The hot peppers in the Weston brew are a lot like that pommel horse, they simply don't belong.

Snake Plissken - Great Divide Yeti
Snake is a monster, but a redeemable monster. He's a former war hero, but also a condemned criminal. He's misunderstood. The Yeti is misunderstood, it's seen as a monster, but it's really not, it's a smooth sipping imperial stout that's just about as good as you can get. But, like Snake, the Yeti will get you with its 9.5% ABV.

Anton Chigurh - Old Rasputin
Chigurh has the most badass weapon of them all. You see him and he wants you dead, you will be dead. His haircut is so bad it's liable to kill you. Old Raspy has bad hair too and he has an awesome weapon of death, the best Russian imperial stout money can buy.

It seems I have 11 when I meant to have 10. One of these doesn't belong. I guess it's up to you to figure it out.

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