Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Valentine's Day Beers for the Lonely


We're just over a week away from Valentine's Day, the holiday that not-so-subtly reminds us single people of our complete and utter loneliness. And living in Kansas City, which has somehow been voted both the 6th most romantic city in the US (by Livability.com) AND worst major city for dating (by Sperling's), basically just serves to rub our nose even further in the fact that while couples are out wining, dining and getting biz-zay, us unattached people are stuck with a miserable excuse for a dating pool.


But don't fret single folk, we are in luck...beer exists! So while we may not be able to spend Valentine's Day swimming in gifts, lobster tails and carnal passions, we can certainly drown our sorrows in bottle after bottle of fermented delights. While other blogs and publications tout the chocolate-infused, champagne-y beers that you should romantically share with someone on Valentine's Day, I went the opposite direction. I put together a list of some of the most appropriate beers (all available in Kansas City) for single people on Valentine's Day, and even went so far as to pinpoint what kind of single person each beer would be best for. So grab yourself a depression pizza, and check out the list below to see what brew you should pair it with on the upcoming vomit-inducing celebration of love.

The Loner - Odell Isolation Ale


Do you intentionally get your hair cut so that it covers one of your eyes? Is your favorite item of clothing a hoodie with the hood tightened over your face, even in the middle of summer? Do you only go to bars so you can sit in the corner and scowl at the disgusting heathens of people? If your disdain for dating is based mostly on your disdain for the human race as a whole, then Odell Isolation Ale might be your Valentine's Day beer of choice. You ARE Isolation Incarnate. As you sequester yourself from the love of another being, knock back a few of these well-balanced winter warmers. Maybe if you have enough, YOU'LL become a little bit warmer and actually speak to someone. But, remember don't smile, it's a sign of weakness.



The Remorseful - Stillwater Of Love and Regret

You once had it all. Snuggling on your brand new Ashley sofa with your lover (shoes off, of course, that thing's microfiber!), your $900 puppy mill Malti-Poo in your lap, sipping boxed wine while you watched the latest episode of Nashville. Then you went on a 4-day bender in Vegas, sent some Twitpics you shouldn't have, used $800 from your joint 'Pinterest wedding' savings account to bail yourself out of jail, and came home to all your stuff on the lawn. You screwed it up. YOU BLEW IT. Your apology voicemails have gone unanswered for the past month, so go hunt down a bottle of Stillwater Of Love and Regret on Valentine's Day and drink away the lingering poor choices you made. Much like you can't wrap your head around how bad you destroyed a beautiful thing, you may not be able to wrap your head around this strange botanical-infused Belgian ale. And while the aromas of lavender might remind you of the professional portraits you two once took in a fresh field of flowers (totes adorbs), the fact that this is brewed by a gypsy brewer will remind you that much like him, you'll probably be spending a long time wandering, and wondering where you'll go next from here. Cheers!



The Divorcé/Divorcée - Buffalo Bill's Alimony Ale

Oh, how quickly "I do" can turn into "Why did I do that?" Maybe your wife ran off with the salsa dance instructor that she met at last month's book club (wait, aren't they supposed to read there?). Or maybe your slacker husband suddenly decided to move back to his old college town and pursue his youth dreams of opening a combination car wash and bar ("It's called BAR Wash, it will be huge!). Either way, you were the main breadwinner, and unfortunately the court decided you had to financially support their idiocy. So while your wages get garnished this Valentine's Day, turn to Alimony Ale, a beer originally brewed in 1987 for someone going through a divorce. Is this American IPA great? Nah, but compared to your marriage, it's a delight. And at only $8 for a six pack, you won't be putting too much of a ding in the dwindling disposable income you have left. Just try not to think about the bottle of Dom Perignon that Alejandro and your ex-wife are probably sharing.



The Happily Single - Stone Sublimely Self-Righteous


Relationship? PSH. You don't need a relationship. Getting bogged down with some ball and chain would only cramp your well-refined style. You are the perpetual bachelor/bachelorette, and would much prefer bed-hopping your way from bar to bar for the rest of your life than bargain shopping for appliances on the weekend and taking kids to 27 soccer practices a week. You might settle down if you could find someone deserving of your unadulterated badassedness, but unfortunately that human being will never exist.  On the day where romantic monogamy is celebrated, your beautifully delusional state of mind is perfectly complimented by Stone Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale. This delicious Black IPA is much like how you probably view yourself; complex and under-appreciated.  As you scroll through the neverending contacts list in your phone to try and find a V-Day booty call, revel in the delicious pine and citrus hops that are perfectly supported by dark, roasted malt notes. Of course, to you, those hops totally don't even NEED that malt backbone, they're fine on their own, ALRIGHT?



The Scorned - Evil Twin Ashtray Heart

Stop. Give me your iPod. There are WAY too many Dashboard Confessional songs on here. We're worried about you. We know that you set up a fake Twitter account to troll your ex, and we've seen those weird poems you've been writing on Xanga. I mean, who even uses Xanga anymore? Have you heard of Tumblr? We know that your heart was broken, and you think the world is crashing down on you, but it will be alright. You need to quit watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and get a hold of yourself. But if you insist on wallowing in depression on Valentine's Day, at least go get yourself some Evil Twin Ashtray Heart. This Russian Imperial Stout is dark with flavors that are smoky, somewhat bitter and slightly burnt. Sounds a little similar to the soul of someone I knoooooow! And who knows, maybe if you get distracted enough drinking these, you'll abandon your plan to disrupt your ex's Valentine's dinner by throwing a beehive through her apartment window. Drink up and buck up, kid.



The Ever Hopeful - Bell's Two Hearted Ale


You've been single for years. You've been set up by friends, you tried online dating (how did JDate NOT work?), you've intentionally set up puppy rescue scenarios in attempts to impress strangers into going out with you. Despite all your efforts though, none of them have been just right. Here you are, still single, not understanding how you aren't getting more attention and finding the perfect mate. On Valentine's Day, grab yourself some Bell's Two Hearted Ale as you ruminate on your perpetual loneliness. Because much like you, Two Hearted is a bit of an oddity. Like you, Two Hearted is single; a single hop beer that is. Brewed exclusively with Centennial hops, I consider it to be one of the best, most well-balanced year-round IPAs available, but it just doesn't seem to garner the attention that it deserves. And, what's more, the name 'Two Hearted' is based on the Ernest Hemingway story 'Big Two-Hearted River', where a man is determined to snag himself a big fish that keeps getting away, and ends up finding himself content with two medium fish instead. Maybe you need to stop trying so hard to land yourself a big fish and focus on some medium fish. Wait, this is starting to sound like a dirty euphemism. Or a suggestion to find some sisterwives. Okay, forget that part, just drink some of this fantastic single hop beer on Valentine's Day and quit worrying; the right person will come along.



The Self-Romantic - Left Hand Stranger

You know, I shouldn't even have to explain this one. Lock yourself in your room, turn on some Jodeci, and you know what to do.


Happy Valentine's Day!

5 comments:

  1. Great post. I was hoping the Stranger would show up.

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  2. I was hoping for depression pizza. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pizza to order.

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  3. The Stranger. LMAO Great one that should be on here!

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  4. Left Hand Stranger also applies to most of us that are married with children.

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  5. OR, if you're feeling adventurous, try Left Hand Ambidextrous. Hahaha

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