Sunday, April 8, 2012

WWJD - What Would Jesus Drink?

Writer's Note: This post is written purely for entertainment purposes. If you are strongly religious to the point of getting offended over absurd things, you may want to stop reading right here. Also, before you tell me that I'm going to hell for this post, I can assure you that I earned my spot there a long time ago.

What do you MEAN you only sell Budweiser products?!
 With Easter upon us, Christians everywhere reflect upon the resurrection of Jesus Christ as well as their own lives, asking questions like "If Jesus were here today, what would he say to us? What would he think about the world we live in? Would he be happy with how we worship him?" Not me, though. Instead, I sit here and wonder "If Jesus were raised from the dead today, what kind of beer would he drink?"

Initially, maybe it seems like a silly question. Maybe you are sitting there saying "Hey Pat, all they ever drink in the Bible is wine, Jesus wouldn't want a beer!" Well, friend, I beg to differ. Michael M. Homan, associate professor of Hebrew Bible at Xavier University of Louisiana in New Orleans, believes that ancient Israelites proudly drank beer, especially on the Sabbath. He even notes Bible passages that suggest people drink beer to ease their troubles. It makes sense; beer is said to be the oldest brewed beverage in human history, and the first brewing activity has been traced back as far as the sixth millennium BC in ancient Iran and Egypt. Pre-dating the use of hops in beer, these brews were typically made using herbs, fruit and honey.

So, with the Biblical and historical significance of beer established, we turn to the question at hand. What Would Jesus Drink? Well, in order to pinpoint what he might drink, it's important to examine what he probably would have been eating during that time.

While it might seem like bread and fish were the only things consumed in Biblical times, many other food items were important staples to the Israelites. Pomegranates, quinces and dates were regularly eaten fruits, but figs were the most significant. Figs grew all over the countryside and were considered a sought-after delicacy.  Also, the phrase 'Land of Milk and Honey' didn't come out of nowhere; dairy products were copious and honey was commonly used as a sweetener or mixed with other foods like curds and fruit. Spices and herbs such as mint, oregano, mustard seed and chicory were important as well. Coriander, in particular, is a spice that is mentioned several times in the Bible.

So knowing all this, what beers would THE Jesus Christ be most interested in if he were resurrected today? Here are a few guesses.

Rogue Somer Orange Honey Ale - Brewed with Wildflower honey and coriander, this beer would be like liquid manna for Jesus H. Christ. Really though. Exodus 16:31 says "Now the house of Israel called its name manna; it was like coriander seed, white, and the taste of it was like wafers made with honey." And at 5% ABV, he could knock back quite a bit of this refreshing wheat beer over the course of the day without feeling too sinful.

Baird Jubilation Ale - If figs were a delicacy in Biblical times, then Baird Jubilation Ale might be a special beer for Jesus to crack open after a long day of preaching, telling parables and cleansing temples of corrupt money changers. Brewed with candied figs and spiced with cinnamon, this Japanese beer would make Christ take a drink and say "For the love of Dad, this is good!" On a related (but not really that related) note, apparently Jesus Christ's tomb is in Japan.

Anderson Valley Summer Solstice -Though I've always thought this was a strange beer to serve as a summer seasonal, I've always thought it was unique and it certainly would offer the perfect indulgence for the Son of God. A sweet cream ale with notes of fruit, honey and spice, this beer would take Jesus to a modern day, alcohol-laden version of the land of Milk and Honey.

There you have it. Of course, these predictions are nothing more than speculation based on a few choice historical facts. Who knows, maybe if Jesus rose today, he'd have a hankering for a palate-destroying imperial IPA or some type of bourbon-barrel aged monstrosity. I do know this: if he shows up at my house, I'll be offering him a Green Flash Rayon Vert. And if he refuses, he'll be asked to leave, even if it means I'll be cursed with eternal damnation. Happy Easter!

What about you? Any other beers that you think Jesus would enjoy upon his return?


  1. It may sound cliche, but how could JC resist the deliciousness that is a Trappist. Pick one. Any of them. I, myself, pick Rochefort 10.

  2. I have to assume Jesus would be resurrected and reaching for a Midas Touch. It embodies everything you mentioned. Also, the first time I tasted Midas Touch, I said, "Good God this beer is heavenly!"
    If not Midas Touch, Jesus would lean towards candied Belgian beers. Maybe kickin' back with a big Quad.

  3. Gonna go with Mojo Risin, for obvious reasons. Plus, it's brewed by Boulder. Heard one of those got moved out of the way in the story. That's what they call a double whammy...

  4. Odell Shenanigan's will do it for me as we toast His memory today.

  5. Wow, I'm surprised you've all missed the obvious choice for Jesus, which is the HeBrew beers, particularly any of the Jewbelation beers.

    And Pat, I guess I'd be leaving your house with Jesus because I didn't like the Green Flash Rayon Vert at all. I'd be in good company though, drinkin' a few HeBrews with the Hebrew.

  6. Beerbo, I figured the HeBrew beers were an obvious choice so I thought Id take a slightly different route. As for Rayon Vert, I guess JC would say that I should forgive you for your beer indiscretion, right? Really though, I hope your bad experience with Rayon Vert was an isolated incident because I am in love with that beer.

  7. I was in love with Rayon Vert, until this latest 6 pack that has a very strong Band Aid flavor to it.

  8. Hmmm, maybe that was my problem with it, anonymous -- I did have it very recently, and I've seen that comment before on beer-rating sites. Or maybe I didn't like it because it tasted sourish to me.. I'm not much into sour beers, although I did just buy some Monk's Cafe Flemish Sour Red, which I'm hoping I won't hate.

  9. The Jesus would drink Arrogant Bastard because you "Don't fuck with The Jesus!".

  10. I'm thinking he'd go For something along the lines of Russian River Damnation or Cantilion Iris

  11. Too bad Pete's Wicked Ail (Blond was my fav)was discontinued because because the Devil would have certainly tempted him with a cold one after 40 days in the desert.