Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Stables

Speaking of The Stables (in Bull's fabulous previous post)…. Here’s my “Wessay!”

Chambord and I visited the bar for the first time two nights ago. What a coincidence that Bull went last night! Would have been fun to have had that interesting experience together.

Looking for a place to have an adult beverage or six, Chambord mentioned “The Stables,” which I’d seen many-a-time before, but had never been to. I’d always been curious, albeit a bit apprehensive. I mean, it IS near downtown’s creepy city bus stop, and it DOES have bars on the windows. Nonetheless, we decided to give it a go.

The first thing we noticed when we opened the door was the smoke that literally billowed out into the sidewalk. Well, that and the blaringly bad oldies music. Too bad, though, we’d left our respirators at home. It was pea soup inside, giving a foggy day in San Francisco a run for it’s money!

There weren’t many patrons beyond the dodgy set at the bar, and Chambord was quick to point out that there was a lack of women—just old white men. It was about then, that Old Choppers hit on Chambord. It must have been the way he looked at her, with that dirty lust in his eye. Or perhaps it was the way he clacked his dentures? We may never know, as I grabbed Chambord’s arm and lead her to a distant table which was, of course, clouded in smoke.

I had to use the facilities, so I left Chambord to order the first (and only) round of beer from a big bartender girl wearing overalls and pig tails. She seemed to fit in rather well, but I’m still not sure quite how. The Elly-Mae outfit and hairdo added nicely to the overall hillbilly theme of The Stables. Fried possum anyone? They's some good vittles!

The signs on the restrooms read “Mares” for the ladies, and “Men” for the guys. Wouldn’t “Studs” have been more appropriate? Made me laugh a little. Perhaps the owners didn’t want the squirrely old men to get any raunchy old ideas… It would, however, have gone well with the rope and saddle motiff present in the bar. Almost made me want to go home and put on my chaps, but not really. No, not so much.

Rejoining Chambord at the table, we joked about the signage on the restrooms doors, and she had to smirk a bit that the bartender had to look up the price of a Newcastle. I’m sure that "all that there foreign beer” doesn’t move off the shelves too quickly. The “Old Milwaukee crowd" had probably never even HEARD of a Newcastle before.

We quickly downed the beer in order to get outside, avoiding complete and total asphyxiation. Upon our exit, we noticed that the sign above the bar read, “Everyone here brings happiness! Some by coming in, others by leaving.” We were definitely brining ourselves a momentous amount of joy by LEAVING. There are no plans to return, at least until Kansas City imposes a ban on indoor smoking and scary toothless hobos. We still reek today, and that was TWO days ago. They don’t make enough soap or shampoo…and I think I picked up crabs.

Thank you, Bull, for your story! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long while!


1 comment:

  1. Suddenly feeling very lucky to be drinking beer in pubs where the smokers are forced to go outside to do their thing! Here in Melbourne, Australia we are fortunate (?) to have a few places like the one you describe. I guess it makes us appreciate the GOOD bars and pubs. Had a similar giggle a few years back with 'Scottish' themed toilets labelled 'Ladies' and 'LaDDies'. made for some interesting misreads.

    Love the blog, Cheers,
    Prof. Pilsner